He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
