i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
