She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
