True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
