The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
