He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
