She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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