Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
