I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
