I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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