dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
