My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
