I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.