mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs