I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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