There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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