Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
