You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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