Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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