She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
