please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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