god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Pants are for mortals
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize