we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
