today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
