i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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