why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
