Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
