i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
