Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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