well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
