Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
