Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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