I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.