after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
