Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
