i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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