he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
