Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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