My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
