I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
