my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
