i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
People in love make me want to vomit
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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