I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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