It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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