do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
