remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
