He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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