i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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