Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
