mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
