I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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