Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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