i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
