I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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