Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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