if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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