Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
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I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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