and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
