Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I party with great urgency now.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
